HOW TO GET OVER THE EX...

Dear DL,

The words 'love of my life,' and 'soulmate' both really sound the same, but no...there is a difference. The love of your life is someone YOU CHOOSE to play that role with, someone you feel like you love and is appropriate. On the other hand, your soulmate is someone that is 'destined' to be with you, someone that you are supposed to be with and someone that is RIGHT for you.

On that note, I will start my story...Since I was young I've always crushed on this guy. He was the guy that every girl wanted. He never noticed me. I grew up as a tom-boy due to the fact I didn't have a mother present to properly dress me, do my hair or teach me about boys. Needless to say I was not the prettiest girl in the class, so my crush never paid attention to me.

I switched schools for about three in a half years. In that time, I prayed for God to put him in my life. I transfered back to my old school and got to see my crush once more. I was still ugly and a little awkward, but over time I learned how to fit in. I changed my appearence and started hanging around the cool crowd.

After six months, I went from an ugly duckling to a swan and finally caught his attention. By the end of the school year he asked me out. The following summer we parted ways, but still remained in communication. From the moment I came back we were inseparable. We were crazy in love. Every hug, kiss and the way that we looked at each other was magical. It was my first time feeling true love.

My relationship was hidden in secret from my family. I had noone to guide me on how to act or be in a relationship. At the time, I was very childish and started a lot of unnecessary arguments. He put up with everything, standing by my side no matter what. Although I knew I loved him, I had a compulsiveness to have him constantly prove his love to me. I did so many bad things, (never cheated though). I played around to much, not knowing how to act in a relationship.

One day my crush decided he had enough of me, and left me. His words broke me, and I could never seem to heal from it. I was with him for over a year. Now, it's been over two years since we broke up. I still feel so broken, so guilty and so stupid for feeling the way I feel. He blocked me from every social media account, and any way to reach him.

It's been over two years now. I've been dating this new guy for awhile. I am in love with this man and he is completely in love with me. He healed most of my broken heart and helped me get through a lot. The only problem is, whatever we do reminds me off my ex...the dates, the sex...anything. And it kills me because I am trying SO HARD to move on with my life but the memories I have with my ex are stopping me. I've tried everything and I don't know what to do.

I feel so heartbroken at times and miss him so much. I lost my soulmate and feel like I can never be completely happy with my life. I don't have anyone to talk to about this, not even my closet friends. I wish I could re-do everything. When I was with my ex, he showed me nothing but true

love. I feel like a shitty person for breaking him.

Thank you for writing in. There are a couple of things I would like to discuss in this blog. Before I start on the subject of your soulmate, I would like to address a bigger issue. You mentioned in your story that you had no mother to guide you. You also mentioned that you constanly needed your ex to prove his love, and would do so by playing a lot of childish games. I honestly feel like the circumstances that took place with your ex has to do with a much deeper issue...ABANDONMENT. Not having a mother present during your youth can take a tow on your life and effect you later on with any relationship. Abandonment issues are characterized by the fear of being rejected by people, or having the people close to you, that you love, leave. This fear can cause people who experience these issues to put up emotional barriers/walls between themselves and the rest of the world. It causes problems connecting with people around them, espeacially romantic partners. People with abandonment issues will push the people that love them away, in fear of getting hurt. Majority of the time, people with abandonment issues don't even know they have them, and the pattern of failed relationships continue. They will constantly think they are not good enough and don't deserve to be happy, so naturally they will sabotage any relationship their in. They are thrill seekers, and tend to get bored very easily. They need to fill the void of their abandonment, so anything daring, dangerous and exciting will be their temporary fix. Here is a checklist to recognize the signs of abandonment:

1. UNHEALTHY ATTACHMENT

People with abandonment issues can develop a sudden and intense attachment to another person. If it's a boyfriend/girlfriend, they will rush the relationship without even realizing it. Then, when their partner develops feelings they will once again put up their barriers, sabotaging the relationship. This can become a major problem because they stop understanding the difference between casual sex and true love.

2. FEAR OF UNFAITHFULNESS

Being concerned with your partner cheating will be a constant prensense in your thoughts, and you are unable to rationalize the thought process, especially if your partner has never been known to be unfaithful.

3. SABOTAGING RELATIONSHIPS

Despite feeling desperate to be needed and loved, people with abandonment issues can often be found sabotaging their relationships, even when nothing is going on and stress is low. They will often pick fights and make a big deal out of a few negative things in the relationship. It's a way for them to justify their own

feelings of abandonment, because if their relationship ends, it's proof to themselves that people will always leave them, even if they were the cause of that person leaving.

4. COMMITMENT ISSUES

The honeymoon phase of a new relationship is appealing to someone with abandonment issues, and they will often leave or sabotage the relationship before the newness can wear off. People with abandonment issues often invent reasons to end the relationship, once more justifying their reasons with the self-sabotaging thought process.

Recognizing the behavior of abandonment issues is the first big step to being able to stop chasing off every good relationship that comes your way. If you recognize any of these things in yourself, then you will be better able to understand yourself, and the healing process from the damage your ex did can begin. Until you deal with the emotional hurt your mother caused you, the behavior pattern of sabotaging relationships will continue. Maybe it's already begun and you don't even realize it. Back to the subjects of SOULMATES...

Soulmates are not usualy the people we end up with. A soulmate is your first lesson to relationships, and first heartbreak. Getting over your soulmate is never easy, but ask yourself this. Has he moved on with his life? If the answer is yes, then you know deep down inside he was just a lesson and not the one for you. True love sticks around through the good and the bad, no matter how much crap you dish out. True love is not just a talker but does what he says. True love turns into your life partner, someone who will not leave you and someone you will have a future with. How do you know if you've found your life partner? Here are some tips...

1. COMFORTABILITY IS NEVER A PROBLEM

Regardless of who your with, you should be able to be your own type of person around them. They find you attractive even on your bum days of crazy hair and no make-up. That special person brings out the best in you.

2. TRUSTWORTHINESS

While in a commited relationship, you will both grow alongside each other. No judgement and no boundaries.

3. HE MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER

If that special person understands your mood swings, then you have already started in the right direction becuase there will be no judging. Regardless as to whether you're PMSing or simply just having an awful day.

4. HE/SHE LOVES YOUR FAMILY

Loving without boundaries is everyone's desire and having the support of your family will bring many benefits to the relationship. If the happiness in both of you is obvious, there will be no need to hide each other and this will result in the most wonderful thing when showing off your partner.

5. YOU FEEL SAFE

Around that special person, you'll find yourself feeling protected and as the feelings begin to unfold, you'll feel as if nothing bad can ever go wrong. That person becomes your inner home, where protection is always there.

If your current man puts up with your crap, and loves you no matter how you look, understands you no matter what kind of day your having, you may possibly have a future husband on your hands. However, you must remember that your NEW MAN is not your EX. If he was anything like your ex he would have left you too. You said you and your new man are very much in love. If that's the case under no circumstance do you let him know you still have feelings for your ex. There are a lot of things you should always be honest with in a relationship, but having feelings for your ex is not one of them. If your new man discovers the woman that he's madly in love with, is still in love with someone else, he will become broken. It will destroy him. You need to remember, the only way to move on from your ex is to stop comparing him to everyone you date. Your ex is gone and now you have someone who is in love with you. Also ask yourself this, do you really love your new man? Or are you still trying to fill the void that your mother left? Dating someone new or staying with someone to fill a void or get over someone else will never allow you to truly heel. If your not in love with your new boyfriend then let him go. But remember, YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS! Do not sabotage your new relationship because of your ex. If you do, your ex would have won the battle and the war. Be victorious on your journey with love.

STAY TUNED FOR MY NEXT BLOG ON "HOW TO GET AND KEEP A MAN'...

#Soulmate #love #betrayal #heartbreak