MY DAD CHEATED ON MY MOTHER...

Dear DL,

Before I start my story, know that it was written in 25 minutes, and I don't have the best grammer. My story starts before my 17th birthday. It started as a regular Saturday. I went to a friend's house and my mother went to work as a cashier at our local grocery store. My father on the other hand always seemed to have plans with friends...Coffee, lunch, etc. I usually hung out at my friend's house til later on at night. For some reason, on this particular day everyone of my friend's had something to do so I went home early, like around 2pm. It was a BIG MISTAKE! I opened the door and took half a step in, hearing the loud moan of a women. I froze. A thousand thought's flew through my mind. At first, I thought maybe I had caught my dad watching a porno. But then I heard my dad's voice whispering and moaning as well. I stood in the door way of my home for about 40 seconds and then I closed the door and ran to my car and just sat there. I was so lost and confused. I finally drove off. I drove for about an hour, thinking of excuses for what I heard. My mother called me to pick her up from work. I wanted to tell her,but I didn't...I couldn't! Later on that night I had to drop my mother to her second job, as a waitress. I could no longer keep my mouth closed, watching how hard my mom labors, and for my dad to be screwing around on her like that was just wrong. I snapped and told her everything. She was in denial and argued with me. Here I am, telling her the truth and she doesn't belive me. I never spoke to my dad about it. After he and my mom argued a lot about the situation, me and my father just stopped talking to each other. I was angry, and he ashamed over what he'd done. It destroyed us as a family. I was very close to both my parents, now can't stand either one. I hate my dad for cheating and hate my mom for putting up with it and being so naieve. Why can't she be stronger and just leave? A part of me feels like it's my fault for not being home more often. And maybe I shouldn't have said anything to my mother. It didn't make things better, just worse. It's been a year since it happened. I have lost all respect for my father. Espeacilly after the fact that the woman he is still having an affair with is now pregnant by him. My mother can no longer deny his adultery, but at the same time refuses to leave his sorry ass. I'm about to leave for college and a part of me feel's like I'm abandoning my mother. Another part of me feels like yelling in her face, "I told you so." I got acepted into my dream college, but it's far away. There is a local college I could go to and stay to help my mother since my father will be paying child support, which will put a strain on finances. What am I supposed to do?

Thanks for writing in. Finding out that one of your parents has had or is having an affair is an unpleasant discovery. You've had a year to cope with your emotions of confusion, resentment, sadness and anger. Needless to say, it has left a scar that will continue to hurt like hell. Although your father made a mistake that he clearly did not learn from, he still remains your parent. It is important to establish productive ways to process your own feelings, talk to both of your parents and set boundaries. You may never be able to repair your relationship to what it was but you will be able to eventually establish a balance. Always remember, although your parents are affecting your life with their choices, you have your own decisions regarding your own life to make. It's not true what they say, time does not heal all things. How you cope is how you heal. You can't ignore your feelings, or the problem. Problems cannot go away on there own. Since your parents have chosen to mishandle their own situation, it is important that you stop ignoring how you feel and start learning how to heal from it.

1. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR PARENT'S CHOICES

Your dad chose to cheat and your mom chose to stay with a cheating husband. You cannot be responsible for your parent's choices and actions. Their both adults and are solely responsible for the repercussions of their choices. The question is not what you could have done to prevent this. The only person who could have prevented your dad from having an affair is your dad.

2. TALK WITH A TRUSTED FRIEND

Find someone who is not directly involved, so it's better not to choose your sibling, aunt or uncle. A good friend will not judge you for your feelings and will help you begin to sort through the information that you've learned. If you have no one to turn to, you can always use the CHAT button on our website and one of our team members will be happy to talk with you. Here at Dirty Laundry WE NEVER JUDGE.

3. VISIT A COUNSELOR

You are still processing a lot of different feelings, even after a year. It will be helpful to talk with a professional who has expertise in counseling. They can offer insight that may not have occurred to you. They will also not judge your parents behavior and instead can offer an objective viewpoint.

4. WRITE DOWN YOUR FEELINGS IN A JOURNAL

Journal writitng is a good way to process your feelings and relieve stress. You don't need to share your writing with anyone. This is a good way to begin processing how you feel and how you might approach talking to your parents about the issue.

5. DON'T RUSH TO CONCLUSIONS

You are not in your parents shoes and you may not know the entire story, especially since you haven't spoken to your father. Marriages are challenging for both husband and wife. If there are problems in their marriage, you may not have heard about them.

6. REMEMBER WHAT KIND OF PARENT THEY'VE BEEN TO YOU (Before adultery).

Finding out that one parent has had an affair can rupture how you think about that parent. Your respect for them may be damaged and you may feel hurt and angry about their actions. Take into account what kind of parent they've been over the years. If they have been a kind, caring parent, remember that, as this defines your relationship with your parent, NOT THE AFFAIR.

7. BEGIN A NEW PARENT RELATIONSHIP

In many cases, an affair damages the end of your household as a family unit. Forming a relationship with the “new” version of your parent, whether their together or not, is important. Do not think of your parents as a team, but instead individuals. Offer love and support to both parents. This is a difficult and confusing time for both parents, and knowing that you are offering love and support can help them through this situation.

8. DECIDE HOW TO TREAT THE AFFAIR

If you are planning to move forward and repair your relationship with your parent, think about how you’re going to treat the affair. You may not want to or need to forgive your parent who had the affair. However, don’t use it as a weapon against your parent, holding it over their heads whenever you argue or don’t get what you want. The affair certainly doesn’t need to be swept under the rug, but it shouldn’t be trotted out every time you disagree with your parent.

9. DEFINE CLARITY TO EACH PARENT ON WHERE YOU STAND

Your relationship with one parent should not tarnish your relationship with the other parent. One parent may feel like you’re taking sides or forgiving the cheating parent if you decide to repair your relationship with them. Sit down with each parent individually and tell them how you want to proceed in your relationships with them.

10. MOVE FORWARD WITH YOUR OWN LIFE

While an unfaithful parent may threaten the future of your family, your own life is still in motion. You can take control of certain things in your life, which can be especially helpful when you feel like other things are far out of your control.

As much as you may love your parent's, they are not your responsibility. They chose to make the decisions they've made, knowing the consequences. As much as your hurting and angry, do not forget the kind of parent they've been to you throughout the years. Offer love and support to both of your parents even if you don't agree with their decisions. Make it clear to each parent where you stand in the matter of the affair. Let them know that your relationship with one parent does not impact your relationship with the other parent. Most importantly, continue moving forward with your own life! Even though your father chose to have an affair, threating the future of your own family, keep in mind your life is still in motion. You can take control of certain things in your life, which can be beneficial when you feel like everything else is out of control. Let your parents know that you do not want to be caught in the middle of their problems. Follow your heart and dreams, even if that means moving. Just like your father chose to cheat, and your mother made choices on how to handle his adultery, you have the choice where to go for college. The choice is yours!

#Cheating #Parents #Affair